Anyway, he recently posted this blog about being called. And I read it and was challenged. I was like, "Yeah man, that's right on. We can't ignore God's calling. We shouldn't put it solely on the shoulders of others to go out and do God's ministry."
The next day I was doing my QT (something I'm trying to do much more this semester) and did my reading. Nothing really popped out to me until I was writing down my prayer requests, something I wanted to start keeping track of. I began to write about the topic of judging/being judged. A lot of the 'being judged' part is me being afraid of not making a good impression on my peers, namely, girls. I try so hard to make a good impression, or at least not a bad one. And then the topic of faith, which Paul kept talking about over and over during the first part of Romans, came to mind.
I need to have faith in God. Usually, when I think of the idea of faith, it is something that I believe I have in some part, yet still lack. I believe that God answers our prayers. But I'm cynical when it comes to having complete faith in God that he will provide. And then I realized: I need to have faith in God in ALL aspects of my life. Not only faith that he will provide me with money or faith that he exists or faith that He does all things to me for a purpose. But perhaps faith also that God will provide me with a girl.
And then in the last large group meeting of AACM (Asian American Campus Ministry) we had some speakers come and talk about what they learned at Urbana, a missions conference in St. Louis. My friend Konky talked about being called to where you are. And I agreed with this, maybe partly because I'm still reluctant to believe that I would really deny myself and go to some third world country and serve there if I was called to by God.
Konky talked about how God DOES call people to go to these countries and serve him. But he also calls others to become doctors, or lawyers, or business majors, or street corner bums. But no matter what we are called to do, we must excel at it to reflect well on God.
Lastly, on Sunday at the Austin Stone, the church I go to, the speaker spoke on Genesis 2:18 and he spoke about how in a relationship between a man and a women (in marriage) is how a women is a "helper" (hey, not my words, the bible's.). She is there to help the man in what God has called him to do.
So the question is, what is my calling? This very question has shaken me and tested the foundations of how I live my life.
Am I called to be a missionary in Africa where there are no toilets or running water? Away from my family and friends? I can honestly say that I don't want to go to those places. I'm sorry. Maybe I'm too comfortable where I am. I admit it. Maybe I'm afraid of getting dirty. I know that's not a correct answer or a church answer or the good answer, but it's the true answer. I don't want to go.
Am I called to be an engineer and serve God there? Am I supposed to get a job and minister there? To be the chaplain of my workplace? It's possible, and that is less daunting than that of a full time missionary. But me being more accepting of that calling doesn't mean that's what God is calling me to do.
What's scary is, maybe I'm not even called to be married. Maybe God has set me apart to be single. Maybe I'm not called to be an engineer. Maybe I'm called to be a bum.
But whatever my calling is, I pray to God not that I would just do it, but I would want to do it. I pray that if I feel God pulling on my heart to move to Nowhere, Tennessee that I will be willing and happy to do God's will. That God's plan will be bigger than my own.
God, I place my troubles at your feet. I know that there is no problem too large or too small for you. I pray that you be with me in my hunt for housing next year. I pray that you're with me in my lifelong search for a spouse. I pray that you give me the strength to deny myself. And to deny McDonalds even though it's right across the street. Because God...faith isn't just faith in the big things. That's hard. But what's harder is to have faith that God will be there for the little intricacies of life. That he cares enough and is sovereign to not just guide the general path of our lives.
God doesn't just say, "Well Robert, your path will start in Houston and I will call you to eventually become an engineer and be married." No, God is active. He guides us continuously. God is there when we eat something past its expiration date and soothes our stomach as we grunt and groan on the toilet. Thanks God.
God, continue to guide me. Guide me through my every waking hour. Guide me on the bus ride to class. Be my compass when I'm not sure what decision to make. And guide me as I strive to become a better disciple of you.
Lastly, guide me as I continue to search for the calling that you have set apart for me. Because what am I doing if it's not what you have called me to do? Something trivial and for the world. Or for me. Or for others. But none of those matter. Each is insignificant compared to what you have in store for me.
